Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
