he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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