i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
