I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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