i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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