So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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