so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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