Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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