I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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