I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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