Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
