That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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