Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
