feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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