It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
