i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
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Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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