I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
