Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
