im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Randomize
