Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
