4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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