So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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