Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This is my gift to your gina
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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