I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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