Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
