fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
