oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
