Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You ruined the universe
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
