He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
