there's paper in my vomit.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
