So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
