all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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