saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
