I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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