I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
