I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
