you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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