If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
