Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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