I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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