Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
