One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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