I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
