The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
