do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
