Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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