I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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