we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
