Cold hands, warm shart.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
