So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
