I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
