yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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