New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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