just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
