I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
