I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
